Umm…Thanks? Celebrity Fake Email Theater

posted by East Coast Stacey

It’s a slow time of year for our shows and movies. Vampire Diaries is still reruns, True Blood won’t be back on until the summer and Breaking Dawn is just…I really don’t know. Peter Facinelli keeps tweeting about playing Angry Birds with vampire contact lenses on, so that’s not much of anything. (SWD: Holy cow, I had a PFach dream last night! Not that kind… it was a last semester of high school and you haven’t been to class all year dream. But all the girls wore hairflowers and PFach’s desk was a bath tub. I have never dreamed of him before. Weird) So I was thinking…a perfect time to make ridiculous stuff up! (SWD: Yay!! EC fic!) In this very special edition…just like a Degrassi episode, just ask Nina from Vampire Diaries since she knows, our celebrities send thanks (sort of) for their holiday gifts. Instead of cards, due to being famous, they send emails. (Actually, they probably do send cards. At least their assistants do!) Before we start, please remember…DISCLAIMER: This is NOT REAL, kids. Not even a little bit. If it was, then god help us all. Seriously, we don’t know them and they are probably super sweet and nice. But that isn’t funny, soo…

Subject: So Offended!

To: (The Guys)

From: plaidshirtvamp@att.net

Whoever sent me the Hustler subscription should be ashamed of himself. Do you even realize what you did? Poor Nina, picked up my mail when I was visiting my family for the holidays. She was scandalized! You are a poor excuse for a human being!

Your friend,
Paul

Subject: Re: So Offended!

To: plaidshirtvamp@att.net; (The Guys)

From: blueeyedenvironmentalist@hotmail.com

That’s hilarious! I wish I thought of it. I bet Nina thought it was funny. Grow up, buddy. Hey…did you like the window herb garden, composter and Girls Gone Wild DVD?

-Ian

Reuse, Renew, Recycle! Doin’ it Vamp Style in GA

Subject: Re: So Offended!

To: plaidshirtvamp@att.net; blueeyedenvironmentalist@hotmail.com

From: hotpockets4evah@att.net

Good morning, mates! I promise, I didn’t do that, Paul! What is that magazine? Is it for American cowboys? Never mind. How did you like that J.Crew gift card? I was debating between that and Banana Republic, but I decided that Crew had nicer cardis! Pick your favorite color, on me!

Ian. Honestly, Nicorette, an inflatable doll with a wig on it, Ed Begley Jr’s TV show? I get Planet Green. I can watch that anytime. Also, why did you glue on a piece of paper that says, BOTHERED on it to the doll? It’s creepy. I would have been pleased with a six pack of Heineken.

Your mate,
Rob

Subject: Thanks!
To: hotpockets4evah@att.net

From: FacinelliFamily90210@gmail.com

Hey ‘Son’! It’s so fun calling you that!
Thanks for the Mobil Gas and IHOP gift cards! Jennie, the little girls and I will get GREAT use out of them on our next RV adventure! We might make it a reality show!

Pete

Subject: RE: Thanks!

To: FacinelliFamily90210@gmail.com

From: hotpockets4evah@att.net

Good Afternoon, ‘Dad’!
Glad you liked the gift cards! Thanks for the book! Cross Country Cruising will be a great help when the boys and I take our next trip. The Largest Ball of Twine looks amazing! We already rented the RV! Tom’s stocking up on Cheetos and Soda Pop as I write this.I am concerned about some of the blokes. My friend, Charlie thinks he’s a Texas Biker now that he’s on that Sons of Anarchy show. Always wearing leather and getting tattoos. He wants to ride his ‘hog’ next to the RV. I miss his Nicholas Nickleby stage! Also, Andrew keeps talking about working out so he can look good in his Spiderman leotard and using his ‘spidey senses’ to hook up with Emma Stone. She’s a fine bird and all, but he just wants to be like Kristen and I!Wait…don’t tell Kris about what I said about Emma! She keeps calling Reese Witherspoon my MILF! What is that, BTW? Taylor says middle aged women make him write that on their chests at the TwiConventions. It makes him feel uncomfortable. I am so confused!

Rob

Subject: English Countryside Trip

To: bluesweaterswede@gmail.com

From: annashubby@gmail.com

Anna and I will meet you and Kate at LAX at 7 A.M. The girls flight to Cancun will leave at 10. Our flight to England will leave at 11 sharp. Looking to the Medieval Castle tour.
Stephen

Subject: English Countryside Trip

To: annashubby@gmail.com

From: bluesweaterswede@gmail.com

What is the proper attire for the English Tea Tasting on Friday? Should I bring an umbrella as a carry on? If I have any more questions we can do instant message. Much thanks!
Alex

Subject: Cease and Desist
To: plaidshirtvamp@att.net

From: bluesweaterswede@gmail.com

For the last time, take me off your email list.

Alexander Skarsgard

Subject: Book Club

To: plaidshirtvamp@att.net; blueeyedenvironmentalist@hotmail.com; hotpockets4evah@att.net; 100MonkeyMan@gmail.com

From: praisehim@aol.com

Hey guys! Have you started the copies of A Purpose Driven Life that I got you to celebrate our savior’s birth? I hope you are enjoying it like I did! I am reading it for the fifth time! We are having a book club meeting at Christ our Savior in the basement on Friday! 6 PM. There will be pizza, soda and chips! Hope to see you there!

Subject: Sorry. :0(
To: (The Boys)
From: plaidshirtvamp@att.net

Just wanted to say sorry about the magazine thing. It seems I accidentally ordered that instead of Martha Stewart Living. Oops! I fixed the problem. I did get this month’s Rachel Ray! Anyone interested in coming over on Saturday for some Cheeserific Cheesy Enchiladas on Saturday? I know Rob’s coming!

Oh Alex…you are so funny! That email cracked me up! Come on over Saturday and bring Kate. She’s hilarious! Also, tell Steve to bring Anna…I found the cookie recipe she wants!

Subject: Concert on January 7

To: plaidshirtvamp@att.net; blueeyedenvironmentalist@hotmail.com; hotpockets4evah@att.net; bluesweaterswede@gmail.com; annashubby@gmail.com
From: 100MonkeyMan@gmail.com
What’s up, my brothers! Just wanted to see if you ever received the tickets I sent ya’all for the concert we had on the 7th. I didn’t see any of you in the crowd. I must admit I was distracted by all the fine middle aged honeys in the crowd! Those fine, older ladies go crazy for the jazz flute!

Don’t worry we have another show next Friday! I’ll put you on the list to hang backstage!

Jack, the monkey man

Vampirisim “The Fountain of Youth”… gimme a Drink!

posted by WestCoastStacey/snowwhitedriftd (SWD)

I was perusing the Perez the other day and was taken aback by some photos. Now, I am aware that we all age, but I really never thought Uma Thurman and Leo DiCaprio would never look a day over 22.

Looking like respectable ADULTS. Ugh, are they ready to do commercials for my demographic? Cleaning products and life insurance?

EC: Those two are getting OLD! Have you seen Chris O’Donnell? Okay he just got better looking than that poster I had of him.

But now, they, well, they look like adults. This brought the issue I have been struggling with to a head. I too, am no longer a spring chicken (and that fact that I just used the term “spring chicken” to describe age… well) I have always looked a lot younger than my age

EC: Me, too! Holla!

SWD: (yes I still get carded, but it is less frequently) but this year something changed. Was it going back to work full time ? Was it the daily mom struggles of having a wee one in preschool? Was it just the crappy air of SoCal and an overintake of wine? (EC:You need the frigid air of the Northeast. It keeps you frozen like a Cullen) No, I don’t think so. It was vampires. Yes, vampires have “aged” me. Why? How? Well, after spending this past year reading, commenting, googling in my free time “vampires” that are 100’s of years old, but look like marble statues, I have become jealous of the youthful appearance of the undead. Asshats!

I was perfectly content, in my former life, hanging out with my friends of the same age still thinking we all still looked like we were in college.

EC: You do, silly

SWD: But not now. Now I see the fine lines on my face and the aging stars from my generation face’s, becoming permanent, many a gray hair now and again, the chin skin changing. Well, maybe it’s also due to the fact that within this past year I a) got a super magnifying light up make up mirror, and b) we got a high quality HD flatscreen (like Charlie, hey where’s my Rainier beer?). Plus I eat a lot of carrots and therefore have good eyesight. Maybe that is why one’s vision worsens as they get older- to not see the newly acquired physical flaws in themselves or their partners? Hmmmm. Nah, I blame the really pretty vampires that I have been fixated on as of late.

Lookin' for a porch swing... and his teeth

In Eclipse, Rosalie goes off on how lucky Bella is that “… (Bella) will change and grow old. How she would love to see Emmett gray haired on a porch swing….” Well, easy for your 22 year old ass to say. I would have said the same thing at that age, but no, Rosalie, come talk to me when you buy your first container of Oil of Olay Superduty night cream, sensible shoes and “park pants” for comfort.

EC: Rosalie would go nuts after the first wrinkle. Poor human Emmett, would be paying up the wazzo for “beauty treatments” at the local plastic surgeons for Mrs. Rose.

How much can we really ask of Botox?

I can get why Bella wants to get changed. She doesn’t want to be the old cougar crone hovering over Edward’s young bones. If she aged, together they’d look like a portrait from Disneyland’s Haunted Mansion. May- December romance, hell that’s December and May on a Mayan calendar. What I don’t get is the “I want to marry you and only you at age 18 for the rest of eternity”. Oh hell no, just change her, let her be the lovely, young vixen to torment the male society for generations to come. Why waste all the newly secured hottness on one (inexperienced) dude? OK, I digress (and apparently I would be a total vamp hookuh). I say, Hey Bella, get changed now by one of those vamps, hell even a Volturi would do for that deed, and then LIVE a LITTLE! Eat some people, seduce rockgods and movie stars, be on magazine covers without having to have an eating disorder or be airbrushed… Once the newness wears off, and you’ve completed your Vampire Bucket List then get hitched to ‘ol Eddie. But AFTER you buy your first tube of “Regenerist Deep Wrinkle Cream” THEN it’s time to settle down (before it all really goes to pot). Oh wait, you’ll be eternally young, and won’t even have the opportunity to buy that. Ugh, which brings me back to my first point. Damn you Vampires and getting to stay a perpetual youth.

C’mon, picture it, I dare you!

EC: You are totally forgetting that Bella and Edward are all about the romance. That’s why she let’s him freeze her out of all the sexytimes. If she wanted wild, she would be hanging out with Jake and the wolfpack. Supposedly, those silly nudist puppies like to party on the Res. Just keepin’ it real.
SWD: That’s true. I forget her naive romantic 19 year old soul. Again, youth wasted on the young. She’s not tempted to whoop it up at all with the wolfpack? Ugh, maybe change wolfpacks… to something more carnally tempting? Alcide? Uncle Mason .. oh wait.. *sniff*

SWD: True, Peter Facinelli and Elizabeth Reaser are my age… but they play the parents of high schoolers. Ugh…. PARENTS! I’m parental age, yuck! Oh look Drew Barrymore (36, like me) still looks the same…. what’s the make up company she spokeswoman’s for? I’m buying! Hey Drew, we still have a few months of laugh line free livin’ to do!
EC: Sarah Michelle Gellar (Buffy) is 33 (like me!). Alyson Hannigan (Willow) is 36 as is Seth Green. Our favorites Ian Somerhalder (Damon) is the ripe old age of 32 (almost 33) as is Matt Davis (Alaric). Alexander Skarsgard (Eric) is 34, Stephen Moyer (Bill) is 41 (What!?!) and Sam Trammell (Sam) is 39. Sure Pattinson is a spring chicken at 24, but don’t the rest of these ages fill you with joy? Maybe it’s just me and my sunny disposition!)
SWD: Yes, it could be your sunny disposition… but check in again in 3 years… on the other side of 35 *winks* And wait, Damon and Alaric are the same age? Whoa. Ian looks 25.. hey wait a minute … *smiles* things are looking up

Hasn’t aged a day since E.T., right?…RIGHT??!!!

Cursing 18 year olds playing 150 year olds and making me feel old,
Snowwhitedrifted/ West Coast Stacey

If This Van’s a Rockin’… It’s Just a Werewolf

posted by East Coast Stacey and West Coast Stacey/snowwhitedrifted

Vampire Diaries Recap epi 3: “Bad Moon Rising”

* Recaps and spoilers walk hand in hand. *

Alaric

EC: Talk about coincidences! After our ‘epic’ were/shifters interviews, here’s a Vampire Diaries starring those hairy cuties. I am enjoying your pretty, Uncle Mayo! Hey there, Meathead…I mean Tyler.
SWD: Ah yes, the Lockwood boys frolicking in the woods….Mmmmmm delt p0rn. Why is Tyler wearing Eric’s black tank top? Look, Tyler is running into some sort of room. Is it the basement of Fangtasia? Where’s Eric? Did the tank lead him there?

EC: He’s back! Thank you Kevin Williamson! I am going to kiss…Alaric and give you a cookie! What else…Super Bromance Road Trip to Duke. Alaric, Damon and…what? Degrassi? Ugh. I just wanted the boys driving in the SUV, listening to boy tunes like Metallica, eating messy fast food. Alaric maybe McDonald’s and Damon probably (sorry PETA!) a cat. Talking about boobs. But no, Degrassi is along for the ride, so everybody will be on their best behavior.
SWD *sarcastically*: Sucks to be her!

StefanWard: Vamp Camp counselor of the week

EC: Let’s discuss, our buddy Camp Counselor, Stefan. Camp Vamp: Learning to be a Happy Vampire in a week. Alright the gray tee and those jeans. Come on Stefan. I have enough celebrity boy crushes, Did you have to put on some Edward Cullen wear? Where is the non-threatening plaid shirt.

SWD: Oh Stefan’s Cullenizing Caroline, with this vegan-hunt-in-the-woods thing, of course he’s got to dress like one. They are hunting rabbitts, look out Bugs, the Fudds are coming

Dem

This was also where he gave his “I’m an emo” speech. Way to go there StefanWard.

EC: I like Stefan and Caroline. He was actually, I can’t believe I’m saying this, funny and charming. I don’t know what to do with this new Stefan. He should be paired with Caroline more often. Then when you throw in that firecracker, Bonnie, you get some good stuff. That’s who I missed this week! Bonnie! She should have gone on the road trip with Damon and Alaric! Now that would be a threesome. Take that however you wish.

SWD: Yes, there are 2 parallel threesomes this week. First we have Elena and the eye candies on the road trip. And we have Stefan with WitchBonnie and VampCaroline basking in the sun of her bedroom. Manage-a-Vamp!

EC: Vanessa, Isobel’s assistant looks familiar…Eureka! It’s the Trinity Killer’s daughter from Dexter! She almost killed Elena! She shot Damon.! She gave vampire and werewolf info that I ignored, because I was too busy having Damon and Alaric fantasies. I’ll try to focus on important information and not hot men the next time I watch it.
SWD: I don’t like Indiana Jane. I don’t know what they were looking at either, my mind was drifting too. You know, Elena is dumb. Damon or Indiana said something like, “Vampires hunted the werewolves to almost extinction.” Elena “MENSA” Degrassi asks, “Why would they do that?” which I believe was right after they had just said a wolf bite will kill a vampire. Hmmm, maybe, like us, she wasn’t really paying attention either. You know, surrounded by all that hotness and threeway thoughts. Oh, but Indiana is there, that’d be swinging, not a threeway. #logistics. I think she was distracted when Indiana asked her if Damon could read minds. (EC: Like Edward! I betcha that he was the inspiration for that one!!) Then he said no, but he could hear her and that if she wanted something just ask which he followed with, “You want to see me naked?” Now I know I answered “yes”, as I’m sure you did too, Stace, as well as everyone else in the country that office (yes, Alaric too… this is our recap and I think the bromance can be slash-y).

Mmm, yes please, minus Elena

EC: Why is Tyler throwing a raging kegger in the woods? Have you seen the mortality rate in Mystic Falls? Large social gatherings are never a good idea. Mostly ones that involve being drunk and running around the woods. Think about it people!

EC: We have some wolf answers! I need to concentrate on the facts and not that Mayo was naked, sweaty, dirty…oh my. I’m okay! Turning into a werewolf does hurt! Being chained up in dark cellar type place is a good idea , unless you have an idiot nephew. Finally, you decide to be like True Blood and use real wolves and not CGI cartoons like Twilight. Good!

SWD: Let’s discuss the chains for a moment, because, they were good. I mean Good. Real Good. They ARE the chains from Fangtasia. They still have Eric juice on them. See Mayo’s abs? That is from residual hotness left from the Viking. Hot supe abs are catchy.

EC: If this van’s a rockin’! Why is Stefan peeking in? Oh my god, Stefan is a Peeping Tom! Dirty Stefan.

SWD: Well they were maddogging each other earlier in the day, when Mayo drove by. Maybe Stefan confused it as an eyeF***? Came back to “check.”

EC: Uncle Mayo jumping out of the window and spraying you with glass in his wolf form serves you right! Being that type of nosy is never good Mr. Salvatore. And don’t you go pretending you knew he was in there. I’ve heard that one before.
SWD: Hey, why isn’t Tyler shifting? Oh, he’s too busy getting c**kblocked by a dissolving glamour/ compulsion.

Wolf hormones aren

EC: Caroline made Matt her juice box. Poor Matt! First his sister turns into a vamp and is staked, followed be his mom continuing her cougar ways from when she was on the OC (Julie Cooper!) and now his lady love tries to eat him! That kid is not having a good year!
SWD: But Caroline went for that juice box like nobody’s business. she is one lusty vamp. Maybe I want her back on Damon, that’d be hot, like HBO hot. Vamp Skinimax.

EC: Snap! Forgiveness denied Damon! You were too sweet. Elena likes you sassy. If you delivered that apology with a side a snark you would be golden. Stefan gives her all the heartfelt loving she needs. Elena wants you to be the bad boy and so do I.

EC: Katherine’s back! Hooray!
SWD: And since Caroline’s humanity just dumped her, I bet she goes bad ass too. Ahh, Two evil bitches on the loose! Kind of like us, Stace!

Stacey vs. Stacey: We throw shoes at bitches

*NOTE I have no idea why the following picture came up when I googled “cartoon devil girls redhead & brunette”, but I’m including it*

Google makes no sense, but throws us little gems like this every now and then