posted by snowwhitedrifted
…Or “True Blood, you’re doing it wrong!”
^I’ll get to that at the end, but you book readers get where I’m going with this.
EC: What the heck happened in episode 5? Oh right! Jason’s weird/hilarious dream about Jessica becoming Hoyt. Oh and Eric getting frisky with Sookie! Those were the important things, right?
*sings* I got the Sheriff, but I didn't get no hot Sookie
King Bill: So Eric and Sookie are having an ab-off on the sofa when Bill vamp speeds in and hypothetically throws a bucket of cold water on the action. Eric attacks him and we almost have a shish kabill. Luckily Sookie screached loudly enough that Bill was Eric’s king and Eric goes down on one knee to honor his liege. (EC: That girl has a powerful set of lungs! I think I lost my hearing after her wailing cat impression.) Then we end up back at Bills, where we have “Locked Up Abroad: Vamp edition.” It’s a little party in Bill’s Basement of Broken Wills. Pam is falling apart, literally, but her Pamisims are on fire, calling Bill a “pompus little dork”, coining “dork” as the newest offending 4 letter word.Nan pops up on Bill’s screen and is impressed and surprised he has coraled Eric. *raises eyebrow* Why is she surprised? Bill gets her permission to impose the true death on Eric. Yes, I was shocked, shocked I tell you that Bill wants Eric dead. Awe what happened to the bromance? Well Nan signs off and we see that Bill’s computer wallpaper is, in fact, wallpaper!
EC: Pam’s face is making me literally ill. I have a hard time looking at the screen when she’s on. Have I mentioned lately that I hate zombie movies? That’s the reason why. Also…did you notice something odd about Nan in her teleconference with Bill? She seemed to be…ahh…enjoying something while talking to him. Why is it that I think Alan Ball cut something out in this scene? (Watch the scene again on your DVR’s. You will definitely notice something odd there.)
King Bill is annoying the heck out of me. I miss gentleman Bill who didn’t wear suits and wasn’t putting people (or attractive Vikings) to death. Come back to us, Bill, come back!
SWD: *Confession time for SWD* I like Bill way more as BadBill and I *hangs head in shame* like Eric less as EmoNorthman. And you KNOW how big of an Eric fan I am. See, I have a baddy addy.
I'm making SWD change Vamp Teams
Witch Marnie: So, Marnie’s a cutter. After some bleeding and pleading, she gets possessed by Antonia, “bob” from Twin Peaks style. Will her hair turn gray? Will she kill Laura Palmer? (EC: I miss Twin Peaks! Now I want cherry pie and teh guy who played Agent Cooper to be in a good show again.) Anyhow, Marnie becomes the “Vampire Whisperer,” making Fr. turned Sheriff Luis submit into downard dog with her devil horn hand gesture. I’m so trying this on my dog later.
EC: Are the witches really the bad guys? The one possessing Marnie seems to be pretty justified in wanting to get revenge. Those scenes were upsetting. Okay, maybe destroying every vampire might be taking it to far, but after going through what she did I can under stand wanting to bring some pain.
Jesus and Lafayette in Mexico:Lafayette objects for “Goat Tongue for breakfast”. Please, man up Laffy, goat tongue is not for afternoon tappas! I find Jesus’ grandpa… wait for it… sexy as hell. I want him to play Murtagh (yes, more #Outlander), Latino style. He has the boys out in the yard finding a wiling animal to sacrifice. Of course, since this is True Blood, it’s not a gopher, but a rattlesnack. Jesus goes all Steve Irwin and grabs the snake. Hawt G-pa tells Laffy to protect Jesus and then sics the rattler on Jesus neck. Then Laffy, like witch Marnie, gets possesed by Tito Ortiz, oh wait I mean Tio Luca, and we’re all sure Luca is going to be loco, right? Good. Maybe Tio will cut off Laffy’s braids. Where’d the cute mohawk go, Laffy?
You dissin' my braids, hookah?
EC: You joking about Jesus’s grandpa, right?
SWD: I’m not, lol… see above “baddy addy”.
EC: That dude freaks me out. You kow what also freaked me out…that rattlesnake. Poor Layfette. He is going to be doing some weird stuff now. Can’t a guy just hang out with his honey for an episode and just chill?
Demon ghost baby: Something starts a fire in the Bellefleur “boudoir” but Mikey’s guardian ghost (whom I swear was Jared Leto’s “Love” interest in “How to Make an American Quilt”) puts him outside. That whole house burns and all the Bellfleur fam are left with is the dirty creepy doll. And Terry’s armadillo? Where did that come from? Mr. Molina’s biology class? But I did kind of dig Arlene’s Etsy style morning after sweater.
EC: Vampires, werewolfs and ghosts…Oh my! We now have almost everything supernatural represented now in True Blood! I might be losing track of storylines. Are any of these going to tie in at all? Is the ghost a witch, too? That baby is adorable. I don’t like him being around creepy things. Unlike, Breaking Dawn, there can be a vampire show with a cute baby. Just not ones with ridiculous names and questionable births.
Law Enforcement: V’ed up Andy shows can lift Lazy Boy armchairs and swing dates with witches. Go Andy, Holly was imnpressed with the Gun Show! But you ARE barking up the wrong tree with Sam. He will go raging bull, literally, on your arse if you’re not careful.
EC: I might have a started reading my Martha Stewart magazine and zoned out on this part. Yummy summer recipes…
The Merlotte Boys: Distraugh Tommy shifts into Sam, opens the bar, fires Sookie and steals Sam’s… not money this time, but his “horse tail”. I think Tommy just wanted to know what it felt like to be in a true Sam shirt. Tommy is sickened by this human shift, or maybe it was going horsey style, and Sam finds him passed out when he returns home.
EC: I stopped reading Martha Stewart after Andy’s scenes were over. The only reason I even watched Tommy’s scenes was that he looked like Sam. What a little jerk. Can he morph into a fly and someone hit him with a fly swatter? Problem solved!
Tara: Gets found by her girlfriend who likes Bon Temps Tara. Glad someone does cuz I’ve had an earful of Tara-self pity. Why is she still in BT anyway? She’s pissed at Sookie, Laffy and Jesus are frolicking on an advenure, she’s dissing on Merlottes, she’s on the vampire’s naughty list. GTFO of “Dodge” Tara.
EC: I think Tara is drawn to the absolute worse place for her. Or she’s still secretly in love with Sam. (fingers crossed!) Of everything that happened to her, it seems to be a case of her being in the wrong place at the wrong time. If I was Tara, I would hate Eric too. He tried to kill her in the second episode. Also, all the vampire hate is completely justified after that Franklin mess. I think, listen up Alan Ball, that the kick ass Tara needs to show up and throw it down. Make her a vampire slayer. Something to give the girl some power. (I really miss Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Joss Whedon could give lessons on creating strong female leads!)
Jess and Jason have a Meadow Scene!: It’s the new TB couple: Jassica! Firstly, so much classic Jason lines in this episode, like his voicemail message saying, “If I’m not here, call 911 and ask for me.” and “…like I’m extar good at sex… and shooting.” So Sookie stiffles a giggle when Jason says he’s a werepanther, like we all did when we read “werepanther” in the books. He wants Sookie to shoot him if he changes, she wants to help him, and not just “change his kittty litter.” Good one. He takes off and has a panic attack. Which, Jessica senses and rushes to his aid, as apparanty her boobs are Xanax. So they bond and lie down in the meadow. Ah the wilderness, *coughs* Eric and Sookie*. Jason is kind of sad he’s not a werepanther and Jessica assures him that he is “special”. Oh yes Jason, you are definitely “special” *see above “Jason-isms.”
EC: What the heck happened to the plot of Jason being a werepanther? That was a HUGE plot point of the books. I understand veering slightly from the written text, but there is major things that if you are using the basic outlines of the book series that need to be in the show. You already killed off Claudine and now this! The Sookie and Jason scene was cute though. Also, Jason and Jessica are like little children together. I like them together! She’s a very young girl, so it’s understandable that she would want to explore other relationships. I have a feeling Hoyt will not be pleased.
Eric Sookie Meadow Scene: The part
I we have all been waiting for. The “Leg Hitch” of True Blood. The Eric- Sookie shower scene….! ^ Yes, this is what I meant in the above rant . Apparantly, we had the epic shower scene last season w/ Sookie and Bill so no loofah time for the sheriff I guess. They er, uh, went au natural. Plus 1 for ball here as he did keep the camera on Eric the whole time. Please note, Bill Condon, you better have shot Breaking Dawn with the same camera techniques in mind. Anyway, back to the woods of Bon Temps. Now, don’t they remember the woods during a full moon (no, we don’t mean Eric’s) are SUPEr crowded with shifters? Who will see them? Who will be interrupting the romp. I’m guessing it will be Alcide and Debbie. maybe they’ll join in. Well, without Debbie of course. Wait, was that out loud?
EC: Hot, Sookie/Eric action. I also agree, Alcide. But he should be in every scene. Also, could you imagine a Edward and Bella forest/meadow scene like this one? Nope, me either. This would happen…
Edward: Your locks glimmer like sunlight fallling on fall leaves.
Bella: Let’s make out.
Edward: No my love! I cannot control my urges! Let me wax poetic about the depths of the pools of you chocolate eyes.
Bella: Please, Edward! Can I get at least a little tongue?
Edward: You are such a child! *stomps off*
In conclusion, why did Bill let Eric go? Why was he emoting on his porch? My DVR cut off here and switched to live mode, so I missed some minutes. It flashed from Bill’s frown to Eric’s splendor in the grass. Did I miss a plot point?