Archive for the Fake Category

Fake Celebrity Theater ( Twilight Character Edition):

Posted in Fake, Fake Celebrity Stuff, Twilight, Uncategorized with tags , , , on March 30, 2012 by talksupe
posted by EC Stacey

A Girl and Her Very Large Dog. Bet He Eats a Lot of Kibble.

Bella Swan Never Needed a Pet Fish…She Had a Gigantic Dog Named Jacob Black

Long time, no see dear readers! While WC Stace has been busy with work, I’ve been raising a new baby of the furry variety. My life has now been reduced to cleaning up excrement, being a human chew toy and taking a million walks to try to tire out my new floppy eared friend! Now wonder, I have no time to concentrate on Vampire Diaries or Being Human! I do like to watch Breaking Dawn on my IPod, while half asleep. I know you say to yourself…EC what are you drinking?!? (Gin & Tonics, kids.) Let me explain, I have an irrational love for the Twilight movies. I love them and also love to make fun of them. It’s a vicious cycle and really I don’t want to think late at night. Twilight is thinking free. Except that it did, in fact, make me think about Bella and Jacob’s relationship. How Bella is the owner and Jacob is her pet with his tail a wiggling… So here he we go…

What a Cute Puppy! Don't Just Want to Scratch Behind His Little Puppy Ears?

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyers loves Jacob…She would never, ever making him do this stuff! But I certainly will.

I Really Didn't Mean Stick My Whole Head Into The Popcorn Bag, Bella!

Scene 1: Dinner Time at The Swan’s

Bella: (Mumbling and biting her lip) Jake…why…you aren’t using your fork?

Jacob: So good, Bells… (Grabs a hadful of mashed potatoes and flings it onto his plate.

Charlie: Son, you don’t need lick your plate. Billy needs to teach that boy some manners.

Jacob: Mmmhh…good…mmmhh…

Bella: (More mumbles) That’s…ugh…Jake…gross.

Jake...can you...stop...slobbering on me? I'm soaked!

Scene 2: Jacob and Bella on the Mountainside.

Boundries, Bells? A dog...I mean...a MAN has urges.

Jacob: Bella Swan, I love you more then anything else. I am your sun.

Bella: (More mumbling and more lip biting) Jake…ugh…I love…you know…Edward.

Jacob: But baby…

Bella: (Finally NOT mumbling) What are you doing?!?

Jacob: What are you talking about ?

Bella: Oh my gosh, you’re humping my leg!

(This is where Bella attempts to punch Jacob and breaks her hand. Which then makes Jacob try to lick her face in comfort and ultimately sends our old buddy, Edward into self loathing hysterics.)

You...ugh...seriously, Jake...my shoes?

Scene 3: Bella’s Bedroom

Bella: (Mumbling and lip biting. Again. Seriously, I hope the girl has cases of lip balm, because around her mouth is going to be all red and nasty.) What are you doing in my room?

Jacob: I thought you were out with Ed?

Bella: I was…wait a minute…are you chewing my shoes? Those are my Converse!

Jacob: It’s not what it looks like…

Bella: Is this because I was with Edward?

Jacob: Listen, Bell…

Bella: You could have at least ate those death traps Alice bought me! What’s wrong with you?!? (Hits Jacob over the head with chewed up sneaker.)

Isabella, we've discussed this before. If you are going to have a pet, you need to make him urinate in the proper location.

Scene 4: Outside of the Cullen Homestead

Edward: Listen, Black…stay away from Bella. You chewed up her favorite shoes, tried to have relations with her leg and not to mention your terrible table manners. I have had enough and have to take a stand!

Bella: (The mumbling is back.) Edward…He doesn’t mean to…Jake… Edward is trying to…ugh…say…

Jacob: Back off, Dead Boy! You just make me so mad…

Edward: Did you just urinate?

Jacob: Umm…I…aahhh…

Bella: (Oh lord, she’s lip biting again.) Jake…I…you are a little wet…on…you know…your front…

Jacob: (Now HE’S mumbling.) I got a little excited.

Edward: Emmett can lend you some slacks. I am far to trim and svelte for you to fit in a pair of mine.

Emmett: (Yelling) Maybe, we need to get him a ltter box! Damn…that’s wrong…that would be for a cat. Hey dude, you like FuBu?

THIS guy is definitely a cat person.

And Scene. I need to watch Vampire Diaries or something classy like Dowton Abbey. My mind is going downhill quickly!

Celebrity Email Theater…Breaking Dawn Character Edition or…

Posted in Fake, Fake Celebrity Stuff, Fake Emails, Letters to Twilight, Twilight, Uncategorized with tags , , , on November 8, 2011 by talksupe
posted by EC Stacey

WHY YOU SHOULD NEVER HAVE AN OPEN BAR AT WEDDINGS

EC: One day, Letter to Twilight (www.letterstotwilight.com), which by the way if you like this blog you’ll LOVE theirs,  had a post discussing just pictures released from Breaking Dawn. Wedding pictures with Bella’s mom, Renee. You know the lady. The one who likes to pretend that she’s her daughter’s younger sister. Well that got us to thinking, what would happen if you combined Renee, an open bar and all of her cougar instincts around men who look like Grecian, marble statues? Trouble. Big trouble.

SWD: *side note* We did have an open bar at our wedding. It was Mr. Snow’s “designer silk dress”. We paid for it. It was soooo worth the 11.5 (<-we know lots of drunks) for all the candid table camera photos, stories, hook-ups, and pregnancies. And we DID have a cougar/ groomsmen sitch. #awesome

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyers created these crazy characters. We just took it to the next, disturbing (and hopefully funny) level.

Disclaimer 2: You know this isn’t real. Because, I honestly believe if you think Edward Cullen or Jacob Black are real then you might need to talk someone. A professional someone. A professional someone that can administer prescription medication. Also, you do realize vampires and werewolves aren’t at all real? Neither are zombies. That goodness for that. Those things are nasty.

Disclaimer 3: Don’t you think STAR magazine and US Weekly should put disclaimers like these on all their stories? Because, you do know the probabilities that anything written in those are real are like slim to none.

P.S. – This is dedicated to Team Seth, who actually had a beautiful wedding and no crazy Renee’s and Emmett’s

Away we go…

 
To: Brontegirl355@gmail.com
 
 
 
From: Hotmamadwyer@att.net
 
 
 
Subject: Wedding
 
Bella-
First let me say, Mama loves you. I know you are abit mad right now, but I think in a few weeks you and I can sit back and laugh. Your dad told me to leave you alone, but I told him he can kiss it. Charlie’s face turned all red and it looked like smoke was going to come out of his ears. It was hilarious. Which isn’t the reason I’m writing, just…
You know, if you think about it, it really is your fault Bella. An open bar? You know how Mama loves her wine. Not to mention, what is it with those Cullen men? Their backsides are like rocks! I just had to see if they really were so hard. You can’t blame a woman for needing to see…I should say feel. That cutie Emmett seemed to enjoy it. Then when I danced with that big piece of meat, well sweetie, I think you married the wrong brother.
 
Which reminds me, when you get back I need to have a conference call or SKYPE with you and little Alice. I wasn’t liking how Jasper was looking at Edward. He kept making weird faces. Then when I took a little feel, that boy’s face got all tight and frustrated looking. Remember when I dated that Greg when you were 8? He was a bisexual, Bella. I know these things from experience. I will bet my whole collection of Mexican decorative pottery that Alice’s boyfriend is light in the loafers. Not that there is anything wrong with that.
I know you were actually worried about Phil’s feelings! Don’t worry, sweetie! He was having a great time chatting up and I think feeling up that tall, blonde girl from Alaska. Are her boobs real? Anyway, we have an ‘open relationship’. Maybe you and Edward should look into that type of arrangement!
 
Is Bronte like the Kardashians? I just love that show!
 
Love, Renee
 
To: Hotmamadwyer@att.net 
 
 
 
From: Brontegirl355@gmail.com
 
 
 
 Subject: Wedding 
 
Mom- I can’t do this right now.
-Bella
 
To:Brontegirl355@gmail.com 
 
 
 
From: BigPimpin1009@aol.com
 
 
 
Subject: MILF email
 
Yo, lil’sis! Finally gettin’ a little something. Little being a perfect word for Ed’s tiny Ed. Hey can you send me your ma’s email? She’s the bomb! What a cougar! Actually, I am older…I’m confused. No matter! She’s going to make me a East Coast Rap mix tape! Cool lady for real!Hey, don’t tell Rose.
 
-The Notorious E! (Emmett if you couldn’t figure that out)
 
To: BigPimpin1009@aol.com 
 
 
 
 
From: PianoMan456@gmail.com
 
 
 
Subject: Cease and Desist
 
Emmett-
Leave my wife alone. Also, you may NOT have my mother-in-laws email.
 
Sincerly,
Edward M. Cullen
 
To: PianoMan456@gmail.com 
 
 
 
From: BigPimpin1009@aol.com
 
 
 
Subject: Still not getting any?
 
Still see the stick up your a…excuse me…derierre. You are delicate like a little daisy, Ed. Maybe, you should let Bella flash you her boobs. LOL!
 
-Notorious E 
P.S. Let me know if you need any ‘bedroom advice’. ;0)
 
To: Brontegirl355@gmail.com
 
 
 
From: GearGenius@aol.com
 
 
 
 
Subject: Your Mother
 
Get control of your mother, before I do. Let’s just say my way involves body parts thrown in varied locations.
 
– Rosalie Hale Cullen
 
 
To:GearGenius@aol.com
 
 
 
 
From: Brontegirl355@gmail.com
 
 
 
 Subject: Sorry
 
I am so very sorry.
-Bella
 
To: Brontegirl355@gmail.com
 
 
 
From: TXTwoStep@att.net
 
 
 
 
Subject: Your Mother
 
Isabella,
Please inform your mother that her phone calls to Alice concerning my sexual orientation are unnecessary and unwarranted. Four phone calls a day is getting obsessive and Alice keeps laughing at me. If I was ever to as your mom, so undelicately put it switch teams, I would never be interested in Edward. I am slightly offended by the idea. No offense to you, Isabella.
 
Fondly,
Jasper
 
To: BronteGirl355@gmail.com
 
 
 
From: Alicat25252@att.net
 
 
 
 
 
Subject: HA!
 
Your mother is hilarious! Jasper is all trying to be manly and open up jars of peanut butter and pickles! We don’t even eat and he bought them, just so he can show me he’s the ‘man’ in the house. It’s great!Can I please dress your mom? That WalMart fiasco she wore to the wedding turned my stomach. BTW, how’s Edward liking those bikinis I packed for you? Nevermind, I already know. ;0)
Love ya! Alice
 
To: TXTwoStep@att.net
 
 
 
 
From: PianoMan456@gmail.com 
 
 
 
Subject: My apologies
 
Jasper,
Bella and I will be taking care of the issue with her mother. Please do not worry about it any further.
Wait…what did you mean you would NEVER be interested in me. I am somewhat offended by that statement. Bella has no complaints.
 
-Edward M. Cullen
 
To: Brontegirl355@gmail.com
 
 
 
From: Photolady112@gmail.com
 
 
 
Subject: Umm…
 
Hi Bella!
I hope you are having a lovely honeymoon and I don’t want to interrupt, but before you get a rude email from Jessica…your mom was making out with Mike Newton by the chocolate fountain. I thought it would be better if you heard it from me.
Let’s get coffee and chat when you get back! I have BIG NEWS about me and Ben! 
Miss you!
Angela
 
 
To: DrCCullen@ForksGeneral.org
 
 
 
From: BronteGirl355@gmail.com
 
 
Subject: Changes
 
Dear Carlisle,
 
Edward and I request your help for the “Big Change” at the Isle Esme. Sooner is better than later. Thank you!
 
Love, Bella
 
To: Brontegirl355@gmail.com
 
 
 
From: DrCCullen@ForksGeneral.org
 
 
 
Subject: Changes?
 
Dearest Bella,
 
I thought you two were waiting until you arrived back to Forks? Is this concerning your mother’s behavior? Charlie attempted to talk some reason to her and was going to email you himself, but he doesn’t know how to email.
Maybe, I can find a nice rehab facility for your mother? Why are you and Edward rushing the “change”?
Esme sends her love to you both!
 
Love, Carlisle
 
To: DrCCullen@ForksGeneral.org
 
 
 
From: BronteGirl355@gmail.com
 
 
 
Subject: My mother
 
I’m planning on eating her.
 
Love, Bella
 
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Rob Recaps the Royal Wedding

Posted in Fake, Fake Celebrity Stuff, Fake Emails, Favorites with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on April 29, 2011 by talksupe
posted by snowwhitedrifted (SWD/ West Coast Stacey)

Celebrity Fake Email Theater. Again, DISCLAIMER, fake.

Firstly, I just have to say that I take back everything I said in the prior post, Vampire Diaries was on fire this week)

Back to the subject at hand. In a last ditch effort to have “more Pretty at the party,” Rob Patti carpools with the Beckhams to the Royal shindig:

Subject: Beautiful! That dress!! Those hats!!!

To: blueeyedenvironmentalist@hotmail.com FacinelliFamily90210@gmail.com, annashubby@gmail.com,bluesweaterswede@gmail.comFrom: hotpockets4evah@att.net

Good morning, mates!

You won’t believe this, I’m sending this from Westminster Abbey! Kate just walked in! Well now, dude she’s smokin hot she looks quite fetching.

Your mate,
Rob

Subject: Beautiful! That dress!! Those hats!!!

To: (The Guys)

From: plaidshirtvamp@att.net

Tell us about the dress, Rob! Is it a ball gown?  Is it a Reem Acra? How’s her crinoline?How long is the train? And the veil? Oh please tell me there’s a veil.

Your friend,
Paul

Subject: Beautiful! That dress!! Those hats!!!

To: blueeyedenvironmentalist@hotmail.com FacinelliFamily90210@gmail.com, annashubby@gmail.com,bluesweaterswede@gmail.com

 From: hotpockets4evah@att.net

Paul,

It’s fabulous! The train is Cathedral length and she has on this adorable lace jacket which emphasizes her slendor arms. And don’t get me started on the tiara.

Your mate,
Rob

Subject: Beautiful! That dress!! Those hats!!!

To: (The Guys)

From: plaidshirtvamp@att.net

Stop right there, man,… there’s a tiara! *dies* But in her case it’s an actual crown! With real diamonds! SQUEE!! How exquisite.

Your friend,
Paul

Subject: Beautiful! That dress!! Those hats!!!

To:blueeyedenvironmentalist@hotmail.com FacinelliFamily90210@gmail.com, annashubby@gmail.com,bluesweaterswede@gmail.com

 From: hotpockets4evah@att.net

 Paul,

It really is. The whole package is just so lovely. I litrally shed tears.

Your mate,
Rob

Subject: Beautiful! That dress!! Those hats!!!

To: (The Guys)

From: plaidshirtvamp@att.net

*sighs* I do love weddings. You lucky dog, you!

Your friend,
Paul

Subject: Beautiful! That dress!! Those hats!!!

To: plaidshirtvamp@att.net; (The Guys)

From: blueeyedenvironmentalist@hotmail.com

Gawd you Queens! We’re men, the only thing we care about in regards to the wedding dress is how to get around all the stupid layers.

They’re not throwing rice are they? They know it’s bad for the birds, when they eat it their stomachs explode.

Bubbles are better.

-Ian

Reuse, Renew, Recycle! Doin’ it Vamp Style in GA

Subject: Beautiful! That dress!! Those hats!!!

To: blueeyedenvironmentalist@hotmail.com FacinelliFamily90210@gmail.com, annashubby@gmail.com,bluesweaterswede@gmail.com

 From: hotpockets4evah@att.net

 Paul,

Oh bubbles would be a dream! It’d be like an Ibiza club scene but with proper English decorum!

Your mate,
Rob

Subject: Thanks!
To: hotpockets4evah@att.net

From: FacinelliFamily90210@gmail.com

Hey ‘Son’! I’m so glad you are having a great time!

Pete

*thinks* I need to take him hunting.

Subject: RE: Thanks!

To: plaidshirtvamp@att.net; blueeyedenvironmentalist@hotmail.com FacinelliFamily90210@gmail.com, annashubby@gmail.com,bluesweaterswede@gmail.com

From: hotpockets4evah@att.net

Oh hey, Steve’s here!

#BritVampReunion

Rob

Subject: English Countryside Trip

To: bluesweaterswede@gmail.com

From: annashubby@gmail.com

Hey Guys,

 I was surprised to get an invite, but turns out the Queen is a huge True Blood fan!
Stephen

Subject: English Countryside Trip

To: annashubby@gmail.com

From: bluesweaterswede@gmail.com

And I’m here too, becuase Pippa is #TeamEric

Alex

Subject: Book Club

To: plaidshirtvamp@att.net; blueeyedenvironmentalist@hotmail.com; hotpockets4evah@att.net; 100MonkeyMan@gmail.com

From: praisehim@aol.com

Who performed the ceremony? Was it the pope?!! *Fangirls*

-Kellen

Find the Path

Subject: Beautiful! That dress!! Those hats!!!

To: plaidshirtvamp@att.net; blueeyedenvironmentalist@hotmail.com

 From: hotpockets4evah@att.net

Paul,

Nina is here! She is.. uh oh… she is…  I don’t know if I should be the one to tell you this…. She just slipped her number to Prince Harry.

Your mate,
Rob

Subject: Beautiful! That dress!! Those hats!!!

To: (The Guys)

From: plaidshirtvamp@att.net

WHAT!!!!!!!!!

Your friend,
Paul

Subject: Beautiful! That dress!! Those hats!!!

To: plaidshirtvamp@att.net; blueeyedenvironmentalist@hotmail.com

 From: hotpockets4evah@att.net

Well, he is Prince Hot Ginge after all…

Your mate,
Rob

Subject: Concert on January 7

To: plaidshirtvamp@att.net; blueeyedenvironmentalist@hotmail.com; hotpockets4evah@att.net; bluesweaterswede@gmail.com; annashubby@gmail.com
From: 100MonkeyMan@gmail.com
How are the bridesmaids man? Any easy pickens?

-Jack, the monkey man

Subject: Beautiful! That dress!! Those hats!!!

To: plaidshirtvamp@att.net; blueeyedenvironmentalist@hotmail.com

 From: hotpockets4evah@att.net

Jax, so crass. They’re totally DTF I’m not going to dignify that with a response. I …uh-oh.. Kate just looked at me. You know, THAT look. The one that I get from every female and some dudes on the planet Twilight set stalkers. She’s, uh, hitching up her dress! She’s pulling off her garter! She’s waving it over her head and pointing at me. She just nailed me with it and moaned “elephants!!!!!!!!”.  Oh no, Oh God,  the royal guard is getting ready to tackle me, got to run! Later chaps

Your mate,
Rob

Subject: Beautiful! That dress!! Those hats!!!

To: plaidshirtvamp@att.net; blueeyedenvironmentalist@hotmail.com

 From: hotpockets4evah@att.net

From Tower of London.

I didn’t make it out.

It is nice to have a little peace though. I’m quite safe. My cell mate is Team Jacob. Oh sh*t, he just said he meant Jankowski.

Rememebr Me,

Rob

Fake Celebrity Theater-Here Comes Paul Cottontail, Or…

Posted in Fake, Fake Celebrity Stuff, Vampire Diaries with tags , , , , , , , , on April 19, 2011 by talksupe
posted by East Coast Stacey (EC)

Where oh where, should I hide all of these eggs?

Paul Throws an Easter Egg Hunt!

Easter is on the way, dear friends, and I for one have A LOT to do! Dyeing eggs, getting Easter basket goodies and trying to prep myself for all the Easter egg hunts with the wee ones. So I was thinking to myself…what if my favorite celebrities were going to have one of the celebrity charity egg hunts for little children? The sentiment is great…BUT how well would it actually go? Let’s see shall we? (Oh BTW…THIS IS COMPLETELY NOT REAL! Just in case you were confused by this.)

Our buddy,Paul handles all aspects of party planning…

Aren’t they pretty when you have your assistants helping!
A word of advice…
“Umm…the eggs look pretty, but shouldn’t you have cooked them first?”

Party Music? The Wiggles? The Laurie Berkner Band? How about…

We work cheap...and maybe they will finally let us on Yo Gabba Gabba

SWD: *wonders* Will 100 Monkeys do a cover of The Jump Arounds, “Let’s Go Bananas!!?”

You’ve got to feed those hungry kiddies more than chocolate, right?

Looks yummy!

Except THIS guy made it (Not really…remember…PRETEND) …

No sugar, no flour, no eggs. But sweetened with a bit of organic apple sauce...

SWD: Smolderholder is Gluten’s worst nightmare.
Some people are not so happy about this…

Beverages?

Ill bring the beers!

Its a Childrens party! Whats wrong with you??!!

Mr. Northman has the right idea.

Were eating the teacup humans afterward, right?

Whoops, maybe not.

Happy Easter, everyone!