posted by EC Stacey
Three Men and A Baby, Twilight Edition
To make up for being a complete and total slacker, I decided it was about time to give you all another edition of Fake Celebrity Email Theater without the pesky emails. Obviously, Jackson Rathbone breeding has been a bizarre inspiration. Think of it as a really bad version of the classic movie, Three Men and a Baby. The difference is that in this version, Kellan Lutz is taking the role of Tom Selleck. Robert Pattinson is that rascally Ted Danson. Finally, the daddy to be, Jackson is the quirky Steve Guttenberg. (Nobody does wacky like Jackson.)
DISCLAIMER: I bet Jackson is going to be a terrific dad. (Hopefully) We are only teasing. Also, if you honestly think any of this is happening, then you have the ability to read a magic crystal ball. Which I don’t so this is…PRETEND! Just giving you a heads up.
Scene 1: Diaper Duty
Kellan: You can’t smoke around a baby!
Rob: Bloody hell, Kellan it calms her/him. The smoke makes her/him giggle.
Jackson: I think it’s just gas. My kid can make a stink. Damn.
Kellan: Could you two please watch the language. A dollar each in the swear jar!
Kellan: That will be two dollars each, you heathens!
Scene 2: Rock A Bye or Yo Gabba Banana
Kellan: Let’s sing her to sleep.
Rob: Mate, you sound like a dying cow. I’ll sing her/him my song from the Twilight soundtrack.
Jackson: Are you delusional? My baby doesn’t want to hear that!
Rob: How To Be soundtrack?
Jackson: Shoot me now.
Rob: It was a bestseller in the U.K.!
Jackson: Sure it was. *snicker* How about I sing the 100 Monkeys’ song, I did on Yo Gabba Gabba?
Kellan: Dude, the didn’t air it because the guitar solo was an hour long.
Jackson: They have no taste! The 100 Monkey’s children’s album is going to be huge!
Rob: A huge disappointment to small children’s eardrums. Only Twimoms are going to buy it. For themselves.
Jackson: You mean your target audience.
Kellan: Let’s not fight, boys! Nikki sent us the children’s album she did with her husband.
Jackson and Rob: NOOOOO!!!!!
Scene 3: Babysitter’s Club
Ashley: I would love to watch your little one, Jack!
Jackson: Can you change a diaper?
Jackson: Can you fix a bottle?
Ashley: Of course!
Jackson: Are you going to try to sneak in Gerard Butler or a Jonas Brother?
Jackson: I’m hiring Kristen Stewart.
Ashley: You’ve got to be kidding me!
Scene 4: Playdate Union Jack Edition
Rob: Hey Jackson, Tom is bringing over his bundle of joy for a playdate.
Jackson: Really? Get out the poker chips and beer!
Rob: Henekin for everybody!
Kellan: What’s going on here?
Rob: Playdate with Sturridge’s kid.
Kellan: Did he shave the beard? It scares the babies.
Jackson: Let me just add a little more gel to Junior’s head. His/her bouffant isn’t high enough.
Kellan: You don’t out hair gel on babies! Rob! Put away those shot glasses right now!
Rob: Come on, Kellan! Let’s have a little fun!
Kellan: That’s it! Tom Sturridge and his offspring can’t play anymore. They are bad examples!