Fake Celebrity Theater ( Twilight Character Edition):
posted by EC Stacey
Bella Swan Never Needed a Pet Fish…She Had a Gigantic Dog Named Jacob Black
Long time, no see dear readers! While WC Stace has been busy with work, I’ve been raising a new baby of the furry variety. My life has now been reduced to cleaning up excrement, being a human chew toy and taking a million walks to try to tire out my new floppy eared friend! Now wonder, I have no time to concentrate on Vampire Diaries or Being Human! I do like to watch Breaking Dawn on my IPod, while half asleep. I know you say to yourself…EC what are you drinking?!? (Gin & Tonics, kids.) Let me explain, I have an irrational love for the Twilight movies. I love them and also love to make fun of them. It’s a vicious cycle and really I don’t want to think late at night. Twilight is thinking free. Except that it did, in fact, make me think about Bella and Jacob’s relationship. How Bella is the owner and Jacob is her pet with his tail a wiggling… So here he we go…
Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyers loves Jacob…She would never, ever making him do this stuff! But I certainly will.
Scene 1: Dinner Time at The Swan’s
Bella: (Mumbling and biting her lip) Jake…why…you aren’t using your fork?
Jacob: So good, Bells… (Grabs a hadful of mashed potatoes and flings it onto his plate.
Charlie: Son, you don’t need lick your plate. Billy needs to teach that boy some manners.
Bella: (More mumbles) That’s…ugh…Jake…gross.
Scene 2: Jacob and Bella on the Mountainside.
Jacob: Bella Swan, I love you more then anything else. I am your sun.
Bella: (More mumbling and more lip biting) Jake…ugh…I love…you know…Edward.
Jacob: But baby…
Bella: (Finally NOT mumbling) What are you doing?!?
Jacob: What are you talking about ?
Bella: Oh my gosh, you’re humping my leg!
(This is where Bella attempts to punch Jacob and breaks her hand. Which then makes Jacob try to lick her face in comfort and ultimately sends our old buddy, Edward into self loathing hysterics.)
Scene 3: Bella’s Bedroom
Bella: (Mumbling and lip biting. Again. Seriously, I hope the girl has cases of lip balm, because around her mouth is going to be all red and nasty.) What are you doing in my room?
Jacob: I thought you were out with Ed?
Bella: I was…wait a minute…are you chewing my shoes? Those are my Converse!
Jacob: It’s not what it looks like…
Bella: Is this because I was with Edward?
Jacob: Listen, Bell…
Bella: You could have at least ate those death traps Alice bought me! What’s wrong with you?!? (Hits Jacob over the head with chewed up sneaker.)
Scene 4: Outside of the Cullen Homestead
Edward: Listen, Black…stay away from Bella. You chewed up her favorite shoes, tried to have relations with her leg and not to mention your terrible table manners. I have had enough and have to take a stand!
Bella: (The mumbling is back.) Edward…He doesn’t mean to…Jake… Edward is trying to…ugh…say…
Jacob: Back off, Dead Boy! You just make me so mad…
Edward: Did you just urinate?
Bella: (Oh lord, she’s lip biting again.) Jake…I…you are a little wet…on…you know…your front…
Jacob: (Now HE’S mumbling.) I got a little excited.
Edward: Emmett can lend you some slacks. I am far to trim and svelte for you to fit in a pair of mine.
Emmett: (Yelling) Maybe, we need to get him a ltter box! Damn…that’s wrong…that would be for a cat. Hey dude, you like FuBu?
And Scene. I need to watch Vampire Diaries or something classy like Dowton Abbey. My mind is going downhill quickly!