Posted by EC Stacey
- I just love the older birds! That’s why I pick movies like Water For Elephants and Bel Amie.
Somerhalder and Pattinson at The People’s Choice Awards
Ian: Can someone please take the phone away from Robert Pattinson? Paul: He can text me if he wants.
That’s right, the holidays are over and it’s time for award season! What’s on tap first? That giant commercial for hair products and makeup, The People’s Choice Awards. (Which is true! They had actual real time advertisements throughout the thing. If I was an actor attending I would knock some sense into the producer of that cheese fest with the glass award.)
But the most important development was a cleanly shaved Robert Pattinson or Mr.Clean, because it was his head and a supremely smug, yet dapper Ian Somerhalder were in the same venue. #asignoftheMayanapocolypse. That means it’s time for a super special Fake Celebrity Email Theater, Texting Edition!
Disclaimer: This isn’t real. At all. Let’s be clear now…NOT REAL. Promise me you don’t think any of this is true or any of these actors are ACTUALLY like this. What is true? Pattinson did wear that outfit and must have gotten a bit “tipsy” with an electric shaver.
PFACH: Cheers, Ian! Where’s the bloody bar in this place?
ISomer: Peter Fachinelli? Where did you get my phone number?
PFACH: It’s me, Rob! I stole Peter’s phone. He won’t mind he’s like my da. I got this free phone from AT&T, but it doesn’t text. It DOES have a neat flip lid, so I won’t accidentally call Nikki Reed anymore. Kristen doesn’t like that. So where’s the bar?
ISomer: Leave me alone. He last thing you need is a drink.
PFACH: I always need a drink, bloke! But it’s for my date.
ISomer: Kristen Stewart isn’t here. Did you come with the other vampire girl?
PFACH: That sexy little bird? Nina Di…Russian something? I tried to chat her up on the carpet. I think we are hitting up Mickey D’s after the show.
ISomer: That’s my girlfriend!!!!!
PFACH: I truly apologize, Ian! But isn’t she a bit young for you? She’s like 16 and your 40.
ISomer: I…I…what is wrong with you! By the way, I’m 33!
PFACH: You look so much older. Anyway, back to the bar. Betty wants to get her drink on.
ISomer: Betty White? What?!?
PFACH: Those older bird love to get their drink on! I learned this on the Water For Elephants set with Reese. She loved those G&T’s…hold on a sec! I just won!
I’m back! What did you think of my speech?
ISomer: It sucked, Sparkles.
PFACH: That wasn’t nice. Oh it’s Paul!
PWes: Dude, nice speech! I should plan you a celebration party! It would be better with Nina’s help, but IAN doesn’t let her help anymore.
ISomer: She can’t spend everyday at you house picking out decorative party napkins, Paul. It’s getting obsessive and, to tell the truth, weird.
PWes: You’re just jealous I never ask you on your opinion on my napkins.
Anyway, ROB what happened to your hair?!? OMG!
PFACH: A little razor incident. You see, Tom and I got a 12 pack of Heineken. We thought Sienna and Kristen would like us free of cumbersome hair. Tom chickened last minute and here I am left hairless. Kristen is quite put out and keeps mentioning Chris Helmsworth’s flowing locks. Stupid Snow White.
ISomer: You know what’s stupid? Your story and your shirt.
PWes: I like his shirt. It shows he’s relaxed and fun.
ISomer: You would.
PFACH: Paul would, because he is a true friend. I like your shirt, too. The rolled sleeves are a nice touch! Not stuffy, like Mr. Fancy Pants.
Look! Your lady won, Ian! Why is she smiling at Paul?
ISomer: Please stop.
PFACH: Don’t be put out. She probably misses picking out streamers with him, you know.
PWes: She really does. It’s true! She texts me fun entertaining ideas all day long! Like for instance, do you think 100 Monkeys would play her cousin’s 13th birthday party? He loves Twilight!
PFach: Sure. It’s not like Jackson is doing anything else.
ISomer: Will you two stop! My category is up next!
*Three sad minutes later*
PFACH: Sorry, Man. I do like that bloke from Serenity. I’ve never seen Castle. But i love Serenity, I should do SciFi. You know that the creator of Serenity created Buffy? Now THAT’S a good vampire tv show!
ISomer: I am so going to make fun of you on Twitter now. Well after a send a series of tweets about the plight of rare butterflies.
Yeah, those two should hug it out or at least do Dancing With The Stars together. #scaryimagesoftheday Can’t wait to see them at the MTV Awards!