Celebrity Email Theater…Breaking Dawn Character Edition or…

posted by EC Stacey

WHY YOU SHOULD NEVER HAVE AN OPEN BAR AT WEDDINGS

EC: One day, Letter to Twilight (www.letterstotwilight.com), which by the way if you like this blog you’ll LOVE theirs,  had a post discussing just pictures released from Breaking Dawn. Wedding pictures with Bella’s mom, Renee. You know the lady. The one who likes to pretend that she’s her daughter’s younger sister. Well that got us to thinking, what would happen if you combined Renee, an open bar and all of her cougar instincts around men who look like Grecian, marble statues? Trouble. Big trouble.

SWD: *side note* We did have an open bar at our wedding. It was Mr. Snow’s “designer silk dress”. We paid for it. It was soooo worth the 11.5 (<-we know lots of drunks) for all the candid table camera photos, stories, hook-ups, and pregnancies. And we DID have a cougar/ groomsmen sitch. #awesome

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyers created these crazy characters. We just took it to the next, disturbing (and hopefully funny) level.

Disclaimer 2: You know this isn’t real. Because, I honestly believe if you think Edward Cullen or Jacob Black are real then you might need to talk someone. A professional someone. A professional someone that can administer prescription medication. Also, you do realize vampires and werewolves aren’t at all real? Neither are zombies. That goodness for that. Those things are nasty.

Disclaimer 3: Don’t you think STAR magazine and US Weekly should put disclaimers like these on all their stories? Because, you do know the probabilities that anything written in those are real are like slim to none.

P.S. – This is dedicated to Team Seth, who actually had a beautiful wedding and no crazy Renee’s and Emmett’s

Away we go…

 
To: Brontegirl355@gmail.com
 
 
 
From: Hotmamadwyer@att.net
 
 
 
Subject: Wedding
 
Bella-
First let me say, Mama loves you. I know you are abit mad right now, but I think in a few weeks you and I can sit back and laugh. Your dad told me to leave you alone, but I told him he can kiss it. Charlie’s face turned all red and it looked like smoke was going to come out of his ears. It was hilarious. Which isn’t the reason I’m writing, just…
You know, if you think about it, it really is your fault Bella. An open bar? You know how Mama loves her wine. Not to mention, what is it with those Cullen men? Their backsides are like rocks! I just had to see if they really were so hard. You can’t blame a woman for needing to see…I should say feel. That cutie Emmett seemed to enjoy it. Then when I danced with that big piece of meat, well sweetie, I think you married the wrong brother.
 
Which reminds me, when you get back I need to have a conference call or SKYPE with you and little Alice. I wasn’t liking how Jasper was looking at Edward. He kept making weird faces. Then when I took a little feel, that boy’s face got all tight and frustrated looking. Remember when I dated that Greg when you were 8? He was a bisexual, Bella. I know these things from experience. I will bet my whole collection of Mexican decorative pottery that Alice’s boyfriend is light in the loafers. Not that there is anything wrong with that.
I know you were actually worried about Phil’s feelings! Don’t worry, sweetie! He was having a great time chatting up and I think feeling up that tall, blonde girl from Alaska. Are her boobs real? Anyway, we have an ‘open relationship’. Maybe you and Edward should look into that type of arrangement!
 
Is Bronte like the Kardashians? I just love that show!
 
Love, Renee
 
To: Hotmamadwyer@att.net 
 
 
 
From: Brontegirl355@gmail.com
 
 
 
 Subject: Wedding 
 
Mom- I can’t do this right now.
-Bella
 
To:Brontegirl355@gmail.com 
 
 
 
From: BigPimpin1009@aol.com
 
 
 
Subject: MILF email
 
Yo, lil’sis! Finally gettin’ a little something. Little being a perfect word for Ed’s tiny Ed. Hey can you send me your ma’s email? She’s the bomb! What a cougar! Actually, I am older…I’m confused. No matter! She’s going to make me a East Coast Rap mix tape! Cool lady for real!Hey, don’t tell Rose.
 
-The Notorious E! (Emmett if you couldn’t figure that out)
 
To: BigPimpin1009@aol.com 
 
 
 
 
From: PianoMan456@gmail.com
 
 
 
Subject: Cease and Desist
 
Emmett-
Leave my wife alone. Also, you may NOT have my mother-in-laws email.
 
Sincerly,
Edward M. Cullen
 
To: PianoMan456@gmail.com 
 
 
 
From: BigPimpin1009@aol.com
 
 
 
Subject: Still not getting any?
 
Still see the stick up your a…excuse me…derierre. You are delicate like a little daisy, Ed. Maybe, you should let Bella flash you her boobs. LOL!
 
-Notorious E 
P.S. Let me know if you need any ‘bedroom advice’. ;0)
 
To: Brontegirl355@gmail.com
 
 
 
From: GearGenius@aol.com
 
 
 
 
Subject: Your Mother
 
Get control of your mother, before I do. Let’s just say my way involves body parts thrown in varied locations.
 
– Rosalie Hale Cullen
 
 
To:GearGenius@aol.com
 
 
 
 
From: Brontegirl355@gmail.com
 
 
 
 Subject: Sorry
 
I am so very sorry.
-Bella
 
To: Brontegirl355@gmail.com
 
 
 
From: TXTwoStep@att.net
 
 
 
 
Subject: Your Mother
 
Isabella,
Please inform your mother that her phone calls to Alice concerning my sexual orientation are unnecessary and unwarranted. Four phone calls a day is getting obsessive and Alice keeps laughing at me. If I was ever to as your mom, so undelicately put it switch teams, I would never be interested in Edward. I am slightly offended by the idea. No offense to you, Isabella.
 
Fondly,
Jasper
 
To: BronteGirl355@gmail.com
 
 
 
From: Alicat25252@att.net
 
 
 
 
 
Subject: HA!
 
Your mother is hilarious! Jasper is all trying to be manly and open up jars of peanut butter and pickles! We don’t even eat and he bought them, just so he can show me he’s the ‘man’ in the house. It’s great!Can I please dress your mom? That WalMart fiasco she wore to the wedding turned my stomach. BTW, how’s Edward liking those bikinis I packed for you? Nevermind, I already know. ;0)
Love ya! Alice
 
To: TXTwoStep@att.net
 
 
 
 
From: PianoMan456@gmail.com 
 
 
 
Subject: My apologies
 
Jasper,
Bella and I will be taking care of the issue with her mother. Please do not worry about it any further.
Wait…what did you mean you would NEVER be interested in me. I am somewhat offended by that statement. Bella has no complaints.
 
-Edward M. Cullen
 
To: Brontegirl355@gmail.com
 
 
 
From: Photolady112@gmail.com
 
 
 
Subject: Umm…
 
Hi Bella!
I hope you are having a lovely honeymoon and I don’t want to interrupt, but before you get a rude email from Jessica…your mom was making out with Mike Newton by the chocolate fountain. I thought it would be better if you heard it from me.
Let’s get coffee and chat when you get back! I have BIG NEWS about me and Ben! 
Miss you!
Angela
 
 
To: DrCCullen@ForksGeneral.org
 
 
 
From: BronteGirl355@gmail.com
 
 
Subject: Changes
 
Dear Carlisle,
 
Edward and I request your help for the “Big Change” at the Isle Esme. Sooner is better than later. Thank you!
 
Love, Bella
 
To: Brontegirl355@gmail.com
 
 
 
From: DrCCullen@ForksGeneral.org
 
 
 
Subject: Changes?
 
Dearest Bella,
 
I thought you two were waiting until you arrived back to Forks? Is this concerning your mother’s behavior? Charlie attempted to talk some reason to her and was going to email you himself, but he doesn’t know how to email.
Maybe, I can find a nice rehab facility for your mother? Why are you and Edward rushing the “change”?
Esme sends her love to you both!
 
Love, Carlisle
 
To: DrCCullen@ForksGeneral.org
 
 
 
From: BronteGirl355@gmail.com
 
 
 
Subject: My mother
 
I’m planning on eating her.
 
Love, Bella
 
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2 Responses to “Celebrity Email Theater…Breaking Dawn Character Edition or…”

  1. Ok, this made my day.

  2. Oh, wow! How do you gals KNOW just when I need a new episode of CET? This was hilarious…also made my day. 🙂

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