Umm…Thanks? Celebrity Fake Email Theater

posted by East Coast Stacey

It’s a slow time of year for our shows and movies. Vampire Diaries is still reruns, True Blood won’t be back on until the summer and Breaking Dawn is just…I really don’t know. Peter Facinelli keeps tweeting about playing Angry Birds with vampire contact lenses on, so that’s not much of anything. (SWD: Holy cow, I had a PFach dream last night! Not that kind… it was a last semester of high school and you haven’t been to class all year dream. But all the girls wore hairflowers and PFach’s desk was a bath tub. I have never dreamed of him before. Weird) So I was thinking…a perfect time to make ridiculous stuff up! (SWD: Yay!! EC fic!) In this very special edition…just like a Degrassi episode, just ask Nina from Vampire Diaries since she knows, our celebrities send thanks (sort of) for their holiday gifts. Instead of cards, due to being famous, they send emails. (Actually, they probably do send cards. At least their assistants do!) Before we start, please remember…DISCLAIMER: This is NOT REAL, kids. Not even a little bit. If it was, then god help us all. Seriously, we don’t know them and they are probably super sweet and nice. But that isn’t funny, soo…

Subject: So Offended!

To: (The Guys)


Whoever sent me the Hustler subscription should be ashamed of himself. Do you even realize what you did? Poor Nina, picked up my mail when I was visiting my family for the holidays. She was scandalized! You are a poor excuse for a human being!

Your friend,

Subject: Re: So Offended!

To:; (The Guys)


That’s hilarious! I wish I thought of it. I bet Nina thought it was funny. Grow up, buddy. Hey…did you like the window herb garden, composter and Girls Gone Wild DVD?


Reuse, Renew, Recycle! Doin’ it Vamp Style in GA

Subject: Re: So Offended!



Good morning, mates! I promise, I didn’t do that, Paul! What is that magazine? Is it for American cowboys? Never mind. How did you like that J.Crew gift card? I was debating between that and Banana Republic, but I decided that Crew had nicer cardis! Pick your favorite color, on me!

Ian. Honestly, Nicorette, an inflatable doll with a wig on it, Ed Begley Jr’s TV show? I get Planet Green. I can watch that anytime. Also, why did you glue on a piece of paper that says, BOTHERED on it to the doll? It’s creepy. I would have been pleased with a six pack of Heineken.

Your mate,

Subject: Thanks!


Hey ‘Son’! It’s so fun calling you that!
Thanks for the Mobil Gas and IHOP gift cards! Jennie, the little girls and I will get GREAT use out of them on our next RV adventure! We might make it a reality show!


Subject: RE: Thanks!



Good Afternoon, ‘Dad’!
Glad you liked the gift cards! Thanks for the book! Cross Country Cruising will be a great help when the boys and I take our next trip. The Largest Ball of Twine looks amazing! We already rented the RV! Tom’s stocking up on Cheetos and Soda Pop as I write this.I am concerned about some of the blokes. My friend, Charlie thinks he’s a Texas Biker now that he’s on that Sons of Anarchy show. Always wearing leather and getting tattoos. He wants to ride his ‘hog’ next to the RV. I miss his Nicholas Nickleby stage! Also, Andrew keeps talking about working out so he can look good in his Spiderman leotard and using his ‘spidey senses’ to hook up with Emma Stone. She’s a fine bird and all, but he just wants to be like Kristen and I!Wait…don’t tell Kris about what I said about Emma! She keeps calling Reese Witherspoon my MILF! What is that, BTW? Taylor says middle aged women make him write that on their chests at the TwiConventions. It makes him feel uncomfortable. I am so confused!


Subject: English Countryside Trip



Anna and I will meet you and Kate at LAX at 7 A.M. The girls flight to Cancun will leave at 10. Our flight to England will leave at 11 sharp. Looking to the Medieval Castle tour.

Subject: English Countryside Trip



What is the proper attire for the English Tea Tasting on Friday? Should I bring an umbrella as a carry on? If I have any more questions we can do instant message. Much thanks!

Subject: Cease and Desist


For the last time, take me off your email list.

Alexander Skarsgard

Subject: Book Club



Hey guys! Have you started the copies of A Purpose Driven Life that I got you to celebrate our savior’s birth? I hope you are enjoying it like I did! I am reading it for the fifth time! We are having a book club meeting at Christ our Savior in the basement on Friday! 6 PM. There will be pizza, soda and chips! Hope to see you there!

Subject: Sorry. :0(
To: (The Boys)

Just wanted to say sorry about the magazine thing. It seems I accidentally ordered that instead of Martha Stewart Living. Oops! I fixed the problem. I did get this month’s Rachel Ray! Anyone interested in coming over on Saturday for some Cheeserific Cheesy Enchiladas on Saturday? I know Rob’s coming!

Oh Alex…you are so funny! That email cracked me up! Come on over Saturday and bring Kate. She’s hilarious! Also, tell Steve to bring Anna…I found the cookie recipe she wants!

Subject: Concert on January 7

What’s up, my brothers! Just wanted to see if you ever received the tickets I sent ya’all for the concert we had on the 7th. I didn’t see any of you in the crowd. I must admit I was distracted by all the fine middle aged honeys in the crowd! Those fine, older ladies go crazy for the jazz flute!

Don’t worry we have another show next Friday! I’ll put you on the list to hang backstage!

Jack, the monkey man

5 Responses to “Umm…Thanks? Celebrity Fake Email Theater”

  1. 3hboyshouse Says:

    Are you sure these are not real?

    I ❤ IHOP!

  2. You guys are seriously cracking me up with these email addresses! You’ll be pleased to know you’ve inspired PrettySparklies and me to watch Vampire Diaries and True Blood at lunch. We’re about 4 epis into TB and I’m hooked. It’s crack. And it’s all your fault!

    • EC: Isn’t it fabulous! I can’t wait till the new episodes this summer. Or at least to see next season’s selection of Sam’s glorious shirts!

    • I’m so jealous you guys are together! I wanna Twi friend nearby to watch vampire stuff with. Sigh. Mr. Seth is liking VampDi though, so that’s something. And he’s agreed to watch True Blood with me once we watch The Wire.

  3. This was so good. I had to cover my mouth to hide my super big grin (am at work). Anyway I LOVE this. Sigh. Keep ’em up.

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